Monday, July 20, 2009

Men and Women should KISS with each other more often!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is all about the KISS. No. Not that kind. It is about “Keep It Simple Stupid”. Yes, this theory is applicable in relationships as well.

I have a co-worker who has a motto that “We all suck”. No offense, but we all do stupid things, we do dumb things, and we make silly choices and mistakes. This is to be expected—we are human. So why do we expect so much from our partners and each other? We are often actually shocked and surprised when someone does something that hurts us.

A major problem that happens when we fail to KISS, is that we have expectations that out of this world. We make lists upon lists upon list, “He/she has to be this, that, here, there, and the other and the third”. While lists are not an entirely bad approach, they are a set up for too high expectation, failure and disappointment. The fact of the matter is that both people have to “WANT IT”—not a need but a wanting; a longing. So how about you keep your list simple and be introspective—“I WANT IT”. And that want should be accepting of the good, the bad and the ugly.

I will take it a step further and say that they should just WANT to be there for each other. Identify someone that you would want to share your good times and bad times, your joys and failures. Someone that you would want to cheer on as they navigate through this race called life. You pick them up when they are down, and push them along till they get to the finish line—death. Sometimes, we (I am in the front of this line) look for butterflies, tingling, that feeling. These are always there in the beginning, but what happens after the butterflies fly away, the tingling burns and the feeling hurts. Do you still WANT it?

In the olden days (lol), my parents and grandparents generation, partnerships were arranged. And by golly, I think we should go back to that simplistic way of life. For all my detractors, please remember that divorce rates these days are through the roof, we are not doing such a great job picking people by ourselves—you think you married a sheep and then you come to find out that it is a monkey.

Anyway, I will use my parents as a case in point. Over 30 years ago, my Dad reached the age that he was ready to settle down, He reached out to his female cousin and asked for her recommendation. She recommended my mother, and tah dah…case closed, they did not date they just got married. Okay, so maybe it was not that easy, but you get my drift. They did the traditional background checks and the families of both parties where very involved and brought to light the issues that really matter. My mother laughs at the whole concept of dating and our youthful thinking that it will help us know the person better so we will make better choices. HA! Now that’s funny.

Only age a wisdom can foresee the things that you will never see even if you are with someone for years—For instance, my mother can meet a guy that I am dating once and give me an pretty accurate run down on his character. It is pretty creepy.

Well going back to my point of my parents, they just wanted it. With each year of marriage, they worked out there issues and kept pressing forward. They fought, argued, did not talk to each other sometimes, threatened to leave—believe it or not these are normal occurrences in any relationship. I believe that there relationship worked and works because they KISS.

Thirty plus years later, they are like two peas in a pod. I am not sure sometimes if they are husband and wife or brother and sister. When they are together, they say they need a vacation from each other, but the minute you separate them, all they talk is getting back to each other, or wanting to check how the other person is doing.

My mother is a traditional African woman. Whenever I ask, “Mommy do you love Daddy?” Her reply is simple, “I WANT to be here.”

So just make sure that you KISS with your partner; makes life easier.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A woman should also be able to propose to a Man…

Hell NO. Are you insane?

Who even comes up with these crazy things? I am as forward thinking as they come, or at least I would like to believe that I am, this is a big no no...

Believe it or not, in my drive in to work this morning, I was listening to the radio; 93.7FM here in Connecticut; and I heard them talking about a new ring called the Corona; I believe that is how it is spelt. The Corona is the name of the ring that a woman uses to propose to a man.

So the way it works is that when a woman is ready to get married to the man, she goes out, buys him this ring and proposes.

Okay as crazy as the idea was, I was even more appalled at the response of some of that men and women that called in—they actually thought that this concept was okay.

When a woman decides that her next step is that she should now propose to a man, she should in the process start arranging for a divorce attorney. Yes, I have heard cases where women have proposed, and the relationship has “worked”.

My conclusion is that any man that accepts a ring from a woman, to say it mildly, needs to grow some balls.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

She/He Who Pays the Piper Calls the Tune…

Is a man the head of the household because he is a man or because he is a provider? Most men seem to put more emphasis on the latter. Even the bible says that a man that does not provide for his family is worse that an imbecile.

Traditionally, men have been the warriors; they have been the sole providers or at least the major providers for their families, both immediate and extended. Society, especially western society, was set up in such a way that there was a clear delineation between men and women. For example, women were less educated (if they were educated at all), they could not vote, they could not be employed in any capacity of significance, If women worked they made significantly less than men. The system created a social hierarchy that served to preserve and protect the male ego.

Furthermore, just as society has closely tied the essence of womanhood to marriage, child bearing and rearing, and family domestic affairs (cooking, cleaning etc), the essence of manhood is closely tied to his ability to provide food, shelter and protection to his family. His role as the leader of this house is because he is able to do all these things and more. Because his wife and children depend heavily depend on him for their livelihood, he holds much power in his household and whatever he says goes. I know most men that say, “I am the head of this household, this is my house, I am the one in charge here so you will do as I say or get out” African men are quick to threaten their wives that they will send them packing back to their fathers house and request their dowry back because the woman does not cook, clean, bear children (we will talk more about this soon).

But what happens when the woman becomes the provider? What happens when she does not really need the man to provide for her? What happens if the man has only based the reason why he should be respected in his household is because of the money that he brings in? No money, no respect?

Now, I know that people are going to come back to me with a lot of ideological speak. But can we keep it real. For sometime now, there has been a paradigm shift. Do some women pick up the provider role, but secretly wish that they did not have to? Do the men support their wives but feel a guilt that they are not doing enough? Or do both parties transcend tradition and work as a team?

It appears that some Igbo traditions have made provisions for a woman that is so powerful and wealthy, that she is capable of being a provider. Among some Igbos, a woman that has gained wealth and prominence in her society is treated like a man. She is included in the male circles. In fact she encouraged not to get married—she may become pregnant and keep her children in her father’s house and her children bear her fathers last name.

In other instances, if she does get married, she leaves all her wealth with her family and starts out fresh with nothing in her husband’s house.

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