Ladies and Gentlemen, it is all about the KISS. No. Not that kind. It is about “Keep It Simple Stupid”. Yes, this theory is applicable in relationships as well.
I have a co-worker who has a motto that “We all suck”. No offense, but we all do stupid things, we do dumb things, and we make silly choices and mistakes. This is to be expected—we are human. So why do we expect so much from our partners and each other? We are often actually shocked and surprised when someone does something that hurts us.
A major problem that happens when we fail to KISS, is that we have expectations that out of this world. We make lists upon lists upon list, “He/she has to be this, that, here, there, and the other and the third”. While lists are not an entirely bad approach, they are a set up for too high expectation, failure and disappointment. The fact of the matter is that both people have to “WANT IT”—not a need but a wanting; a longing. So how about you keep your list simple and be introspective—“I WANT IT”. And that want should be accepting of the good, the bad and the ugly.
I will take it a step further and say that they should just WANT to be there for each other. Identify someone that you would want to share your good times and bad times, your joys and failures. Someone that you would want to cheer on as they navigate through this race called life. You pick them up when they are down, and push them along till they get to the finish line—death. Sometimes, we (I am in the front of this line) look for butterflies, tingling, that feeling. These are always there in the beginning, but what happens after the butterflies fly away, the tingling burns and the feeling hurts. Do you still WANT it?
In the olden days (lol), my parents and grandparents generation, partnerships were arranged. And by golly, I think we should go back to that simplistic way of life. For all my detractors, please remember that divorce rates these days are through the roof, we are not doing such a great job picking people by ourselves—you think you married a sheep and then you come to find out that it is a monkey.
Anyway, I will use my parents as a case in point. Over 30 years ago, my Dad reached the age that he was ready to settle down, He reached out to his female cousin and asked for her recommendation. She recommended my mother, and tah dah…case closed, they did not date they just got married. Okay, so maybe it was not that easy, but you get my drift. They did the traditional background checks and the families of both parties where very involved and brought to light the issues that really matter. My mother laughs at the whole concept of dating and our youthful thinking that it will help us know the person better so we will make better choices. HA! Now that’s funny.
Only age a wisdom can foresee the things that you will never see even if you are with someone for years—For instance, my mother can meet a guy that I am dating once and give me an pretty accurate run down on his character. It is pretty creepy.
Well going back to my point of my parents, they just wanted it. With each year of marriage, they worked out there issues and kept pressing forward. They fought, argued, did not talk to each other sometimes, threatened to leave—believe it or not these are normal occurrences in any relationship. I believe that there relationship worked and works because they KISS.
Thirty plus years later, they are like two peas in a pod. I am not sure sometimes if they are husband and wife or brother and sister. When they are together, they say they need a vacation from each other, but the minute you separate them, all they talk is getting back to each other, or wanting to check how the other person is doing.
My mother is a traditional African woman. Whenever I ask, “Mommy do you love Daddy?” Her reply is simple, “I WANT to be here.”
So just make sure that you KISS with your partner; makes life easier.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A woman should also be able to propose to a Man…
Hell NO. Are you insane?
Who even comes up with these crazy things? I am as forward thinking as they come, or at least I would like to believe that I am, this is a big no no...
Believe it or not, in my drive in to work this morning, I was listening to the radio; 93.7FM here in Connecticut; and I heard them talking about a new ring called the Corona; I believe that is how it is spelt. The Corona is the name of the ring that a woman uses to propose to a man.
So the way it works is that when a woman is ready to get married to the man, she goes out, buys him this ring and proposes.
Okay as crazy as the idea was, I was even more appalled at the response of some of that men and women that called in—they actually thought that this concept was okay.
When a woman decides that her next step is that she should now propose to a man, she should in the process start arranging for a divorce attorney. Yes, I have heard cases where women have proposed, and the relationship has “worked”.
My conclusion is that any man that accepts a ring from a woman, to say it mildly, needs to grow some balls.
Who even comes up with these crazy things? I am as forward thinking as they come, or at least I would like to believe that I am, this is a big no no...
Believe it or not, in my drive in to work this morning, I was listening to the radio; 93.7FM here in Connecticut; and I heard them talking about a new ring called the Corona; I believe that is how it is spelt. The Corona is the name of the ring that a woman uses to propose to a man.
So the way it works is that when a woman is ready to get married to the man, she goes out, buys him this ring and proposes.
Okay as crazy as the idea was, I was even more appalled at the response of some of that men and women that called in—they actually thought that this concept was okay.
When a woman decides that her next step is that she should now propose to a man, she should in the process start arranging for a divorce attorney. Yes, I have heard cases where women have proposed, and the relationship has “worked”.
My conclusion is that any man that accepts a ring from a woman, to say it mildly, needs to grow some balls.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
She/He Who Pays the Piper Calls the Tune…
Is a man the head of the household because he is a man or because he is a provider? Most men seem to put more emphasis on the latter. Even the bible says that a man that does not provide for his family is worse that an imbecile.
Traditionally, men have been the warriors; they have been the sole providers or at least the major providers for their families, both immediate and extended. Society, especially western society, was set up in such a way that there was a clear delineation between men and women. For example, women were less educated (if they were educated at all), they could not vote, they could not be employed in any capacity of significance, If women worked they made significantly less than men. The system created a social hierarchy that served to preserve and protect the male ego.
Furthermore, just as society has closely tied the essence of womanhood to marriage, child bearing and rearing, and family domestic affairs (cooking, cleaning etc), the essence of manhood is closely tied to his ability to provide food, shelter and protection to his family. His role as the leader of this house is because he is able to do all these things and more. Because his wife and children depend heavily depend on him for their livelihood, he holds much power in his household and whatever he says goes. I know most men that say, “I am the head of this household, this is my house, I am the one in charge here so you will do as I say or get out” African men are quick to threaten their wives that they will send them packing back to their fathers house and request their dowry back because the woman does not cook, clean, bear children (we will talk more about this soon).
But what happens when the woman becomes the provider? What happens when she does not really need the man to provide for her? What happens if the man has only based the reason why he should be respected in his household is because of the money that he brings in? No money, no respect?
Now, I know that people are going to come back to me with a lot of ideological speak. But can we keep it real. For sometime now, there has been a paradigm shift. Do some women pick up the provider role, but secretly wish that they did not have to? Do the men support their wives but feel a guilt that they are not doing enough? Or do both parties transcend tradition and work as a team?
It appears that some Igbo traditions have made provisions for a woman that is so powerful and wealthy, that she is capable of being a provider. Among some Igbos, a woman that has gained wealth and prominence in her society is treated like a man. She is included in the male circles. In fact she encouraged not to get married—she may become pregnant and keep her children in her father’s house and her children bear her fathers last name.
In other instances, if she does get married, she leaves all her wealth with her family and starts out fresh with nothing in her husband’s house.
Traditionally, men have been the warriors; they have been the sole providers or at least the major providers for their families, both immediate and extended. Society, especially western society, was set up in such a way that there was a clear delineation between men and women. For example, women were less educated (if they were educated at all), they could not vote, they could not be employed in any capacity of significance, If women worked they made significantly less than men. The system created a social hierarchy that served to preserve and protect the male ego.
Furthermore, just as society has closely tied the essence of womanhood to marriage, child bearing and rearing, and family domestic affairs (cooking, cleaning etc), the essence of manhood is closely tied to his ability to provide food, shelter and protection to his family. His role as the leader of this house is because he is able to do all these things and more. Because his wife and children depend heavily depend on him for their livelihood, he holds much power in his household and whatever he says goes. I know most men that say, “I am the head of this household, this is my house, I am the one in charge here so you will do as I say or get out” African men are quick to threaten their wives that they will send them packing back to their fathers house and request their dowry back because the woman does not cook, clean, bear children (we will talk more about this soon).
But what happens when the woman becomes the provider? What happens when she does not really need the man to provide for her? What happens if the man has only based the reason why he should be respected in his household is because of the money that he brings in? No money, no respect?
Now, I know that people are going to come back to me with a lot of ideological speak. But can we keep it real. For sometime now, there has been a paradigm shift. Do some women pick up the provider role, but secretly wish that they did not have to? Do the men support their wives but feel a guilt that they are not doing enough? Or do both parties transcend tradition and work as a team?
It appears that some Igbo traditions have made provisions for a woman that is so powerful and wealthy, that she is capable of being a provider. Among some Igbos, a woman that has gained wealth and prominence in her society is treated like a man. She is included in the male circles. In fact she encouraged not to get married—she may become pregnant and keep her children in her father’s house and her children bear her fathers last name.
In other instances, if she does get married, she leaves all her wealth with her family and starts out fresh with nothing in her husband’s house.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
WHAT IS THE HANG UP WOMEN HAVE WITH COOKING?
Women, really what is the hang up that we have with cooking? Men really want to know why some of us fuss over it. Let us not forget that there are also alot of women who actually love to cook and would do it three times a day. I grew up in a house where my mother cooked a fresh hot meal three times a day. We hardly ever ate a cold breakfast. But here is the catch, she did not work. My father was the sole provider of the house. Furthermore, she had people around to help her.
I Will Not Cook reader, Jonathan comments:
Interesting topic. I've always wanted to ask African Women about this cooking hangup that some of them have, so I look forward to reading their points of view.
First let me premise my position by saying I have always looked at a woman cooking for me as an extension and expression of her love (My Mom, Shirley from across the street who made me those slamming Lasagna or my sister Joyce throwing down on Thanksgiving).
I also look at it the same way when Shirley asked me to accompany her on a 2hr ride to Brooklyn on what I thought was the coldest day ever (at least in recent history)or traveling all the way to University of Uyo(during rainy season) to visit my sister when she was a Professor there.
We give, we share, we sacrifice that's what to me makes a relationship work. So if your not going to cook what are your expectations of me? Or will you not have any? Hmmmmmm
Thanks for you feedback and question Jonathan. I also invite my female readers to comment on his thoughts as well. The point of this blog is to get as many viewpoints from both men and women.
Jonathan,
There are so many points that you bring up here so I will tackle them one at a time, and maybe I will do it over a few blogs.
You say that you look at a woman cooking for you as an "extension of her love". Let me back up for a minute. In todays society, women are on the grind. They are wives, mothers, workers, business owners, students, etc. For me, there is something about having to think about what to cook for someone every blessed day.
It is one thing if I am a stay home wife and all I have to manage are the affairs of the household. That means, you, the man works and brings home the bacon. You the man are responsible for all "our" bills and all "our" needs. You take care of our family, both the immediate and extended. You are the provider. Okay, if you come at a woman like that then you should absolutely demand that she fall into her traditional role as a wife. Now women look at being a housewife as a walk in the park or as a low level position. I do not feel that way at all. This is a topic that I will address fully in the future.
News flash!! I really do not know that many men who do not need their wives income to survive. In some cases their wives income may be the only source of income coming in. So if I the woman is helping you with your slack, just keeping it real here fellas--lets call a spade a spade, then why can't you help me around the house and help me with the cooking. The minute you allow a woman to work and contribute to the finances and running of the home, you in essence have given up the right to ask her to "organise you a meal" on a daily basis.
So why do not you help her? She helps you in your role as the provider, you help her in her role as the manager of househaold affairs. Now are there some women out there that are suoerwoman and do not need the help of a man? I am sure. But even if you are with that kind of woman, a little help goes a long way.
I also have to make this point, some men say, ,"Oh she must cook for me, she must clean for me, she must do this and do that". But if I a woman comes to the man and I say, "Where the cash at? You must buy me this and buy me that. I want a new car and a big house. How about an upgrade on my ring?" I am a golddigger, big money spender. I am not supportive and understanding.
I Will Not Cook reader, Jonathan comments:
Interesting topic. I've always wanted to ask African Women about this cooking hangup that some of them have, so I look forward to reading their points of view.
First let me premise my position by saying I have always looked at a woman cooking for me as an extension and expression of her love (My Mom, Shirley from across the street who made me those slamming Lasagna or my sister Joyce throwing down on Thanksgiving).
I also look at it the same way when Shirley asked me to accompany her on a 2hr ride to Brooklyn on what I thought was the coldest day ever (at least in recent history)or traveling all the way to University of Uyo(during rainy season) to visit my sister when she was a Professor there.
We give, we share, we sacrifice that's what to me makes a relationship work. So if your not going to cook what are your expectations of me? Or will you not have any? Hmmmmmm
Thanks for you feedback and question Jonathan. I also invite my female readers to comment on his thoughts as well. The point of this blog is to get as many viewpoints from both men and women.
Jonathan,
There are so many points that you bring up here so I will tackle them one at a time, and maybe I will do it over a few blogs.
You say that you look at a woman cooking for you as an "extension of her love". Let me back up for a minute. In todays society, women are on the grind. They are wives, mothers, workers, business owners, students, etc. For me, there is something about having to think about what to cook for someone every blessed day.
It is one thing if I am a stay home wife and all I have to manage are the affairs of the household. That means, you, the man works and brings home the bacon. You the man are responsible for all "our" bills and all "our" needs. You take care of our family, both the immediate and extended. You are the provider. Okay, if you come at a woman like that then you should absolutely demand that she fall into her traditional role as a wife. Now women look at being a housewife as a walk in the park or as a low level position. I do not feel that way at all. This is a topic that I will address fully in the future.
News flash!! I really do not know that many men who do not need their wives income to survive. In some cases their wives income may be the only source of income coming in. So if I the woman is helping you with your slack, just keeping it real here fellas--lets call a spade a spade, then why can't you help me around the house and help me with the cooking. The minute you allow a woman to work and contribute to the finances and running of the home, you in essence have given up the right to ask her to "organise you a meal" on a daily basis.
So why do not you help her? She helps you in your role as the provider, you help her in her role as the manager of househaold affairs. Now are there some women out there that are suoerwoman and do not need the help of a man? I am sure. But even if you are with that kind of woman, a little help goes a long way.
I also have to make this point, some men say, ,"Oh she must cook for me, she must clean for me, she must do this and do that". But if I a woman comes to the man and I say, "Where the cash at? You must buy me this and buy me that. I want a new car and a big house. How about an upgrade on my ring?" I am a golddigger, big money spender. I am not supportive and understanding.
Monday, June 22, 2009
WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
“I will not cook!” Whatever do I mean? Because I am an educated woman, or I should say because I am a woman, I am going to complicate this rather simple statement. A lot of people are assuming that I am just stating that “I Will Not Cook” but for a woman like myself that would be rather pedestrian and obvious.
The issue at hand is much bigger than that; and it is much bigger than me. The voice of the person stating “I Will Not Cook” could be that of a woman or a man.
So when you think about, “I Will Not Cook”, think about it as a statement representing a departure from the normal, a departure from the expected, a departure from what it means to be African. Think about the kind of shock that you feel when you see an African parent trying to reason with their 5 year old child, when you know that in the African tradition the child ought to be slapped and told to shut up. I call the blog, I will not cook because in the African context, this is the greatest sin of all. And so, I will start off with this topic. In America, people say finances will break up a home, in Africa it is the lack of cooking that will send your husband packing and running for his life.
The matters that I will be talking about are the dynamics in relationships as it pertains to Africans living abroad and to some extent to the ones living on the continent. How do navigate through our traditional values when living in a foreign land? How modern is too modern? We will talk about cooking, sex, dating and marriage inside and outside your ethnic group or race, bearing children, raising children, the dynamics of juju and witchcraft in marriage and families, mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, sending money to your parents after marriage, traditional marriages vs. white weddings, marrying for papers, building homes in village, not speaking your traditional language, African men who marry nurses, African men who pimp their wives, African men who beat their wives, taking a second wife, and so much more. If you have a topic, send it in and let us talk about it.
The issue at hand is much bigger than that; and it is much bigger than me. The voice of the person stating “I Will Not Cook” could be that of a woman or a man.
So when you think about, “I Will Not Cook”, think about it as a statement representing a departure from the normal, a departure from the expected, a departure from what it means to be African. Think about the kind of shock that you feel when you see an African parent trying to reason with their 5 year old child, when you know that in the African tradition the child ought to be slapped and told to shut up. I call the blog, I will not cook because in the African context, this is the greatest sin of all. And so, I will start off with this topic. In America, people say finances will break up a home, in Africa it is the lack of cooking that will send your husband packing and running for his life.
The matters that I will be talking about are the dynamics in relationships as it pertains to Africans living abroad and to some extent to the ones living on the continent. How do navigate through our traditional values when living in a foreign land? How modern is too modern? We will talk about cooking, sex, dating and marriage inside and outside your ethnic group or race, bearing children, raising children, the dynamics of juju and witchcraft in marriage and families, mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, sending money to your parents after marriage, traditional marriages vs. white weddings, marrying for papers, building homes in village, not speaking your traditional language, African men who marry nurses, African men who pimp their wives, African men who beat their wives, taking a second wife, and so much more. If you have a topic, send it in and let us talk about it.
WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING ABOUT I WILL NOT COOK
What are people Saying.
I really want to hear from you. Both good and bad. I have been accused that I will be the cause of broken homes. The truth of the matter is that if you and your other breakup, it will not be because of me. I am here to help not to break people up. But I will get down and dirty so do not get mad at me if I call you out on your dirt--this goes for both men and women.
This blog is 4 days old and I have only 3 followers so far. Booo. That is okay because I know that Africans do not know how to follow directions. I mean is it that difficult? Thanks Laurelle and Ugo--you are my firsts! Well, I cannot really knock anyone because I had no idea how to follow a topic on a blog in the past. Plus I have often found blogs boring. I will throw some pictures up here sooner or later. That will be for the people who do not want to read. Hey you can also join the club on facebook...I will Not Cook:)
I did send out a mass email to a few of my friends and some have sent feedback via email and facebook. I want to share.
Chichi
I will not cook!
what a blog!!
this is another way of women thinking they are DOING A MAN A FAVOUR...too bad!...no man have ever divorced his wife because she can't cook...besides, men cook better...have you girls EVER heard of the name 'restaurant', that sweet, smelling, beautiful place with very 'pretty' girls (YOUNG) serving the best meals with 'smiles' AND asking, 'do you need anything else'?..LADIES...stop tripping...
E (MAN, a village man at that)
Chichi
"You seemed to do a pretty decent job slaving over that frying pan on Sat night..."
M. (MAN)
Chichi
"Girl, na wa o! Dis one na emancipation from kitchen abi wetin? hahaha...."
U. (Woman)
Chichi
"Don't cook and ur husband will find a mistress...hahahaha"
F. (WOMAN, married forever with four kids)
Chichi
"good chi-chi your doing it how awesome for you..."
R. (WOMAN)
Chichi
"You ARE seriously a FOOL! Unless you plan on going non-African, girl you better learn to cook!"
J. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
oooohhhh. I have stories to tell about African men and cooking.
I had to break up with an ex who demanded me to "organize food" for him and his boys!!!
B. (WOMAN)
Chichi
haha! but i looooove cooking! :) i look fwd to reading the blog ChiChi......
A. (WOMAN)
Chi,
Congrats on the launch of the blog! I will join the following soon
J. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
This will most certainly get an interesting debate started in the days,and months ahead.When we had first chewed over this i thought it was a fresh medium of expressing the different veiw points on so many issues affecting our daily lives as Africans,almost noble(lol).I still think its fresh ,and smart,so am just gonna sit back and enjoy this one. Though am almost certain I definitely will not cook.
Ugo O. (MAN)
Chichi,
Why is that your issue?
A. G (MAN)
Congrats Chi Chi and I wish you the best of luck!
N. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
I think there is a word mispelt ....proclaim or something else go re-check
later!
M. (MAN)
Waoo ChiChi,
This blog is going to be war.. i'm sure the're lots of people with so much to say.... concerning this topic..
Have a lovely day and be blessed.
T. (WOMAN)
I really want to hear from you. Both good and bad. I have been accused that I will be the cause of broken homes. The truth of the matter is that if you and your other breakup, it will not be because of me. I am here to help not to break people up. But I will get down and dirty so do not get mad at me if I call you out on your dirt--this goes for both men and women.
This blog is 4 days old and I have only 3 followers so far. Booo. That is okay because I know that Africans do not know how to follow directions. I mean is it that difficult? Thanks Laurelle and Ugo--you are my firsts! Well, I cannot really knock anyone because I had no idea how to follow a topic on a blog in the past. Plus I have often found blogs boring. I will throw some pictures up here sooner or later. That will be for the people who do not want to read. Hey you can also join the club on facebook...I will Not Cook:)
I did send out a mass email to a few of my friends and some have sent feedback via email and facebook. I want to share.
Chichi
I will not cook!
what a blog!!
this is another way of women thinking they are DOING A MAN A FAVOUR...too bad!...no man have ever divorced his wife because she can't cook...besides, men cook better...have you girls EVER heard of the name 'restaurant', that sweet, smelling, beautiful place with very 'pretty' girls (YOUNG) serving the best meals with 'smiles' AND asking, 'do you need anything else'?..LADIES...stop tripping...
E (MAN, a village man at that)
Chichi
"You seemed to do a pretty decent job slaving over that frying pan on Sat night..."
M. (MAN)
Chichi
"Girl, na wa o! Dis one na emancipation from kitchen abi wetin? hahaha...."
U. (Woman)
Chichi
"Don't cook and ur husband will find a mistress...hahahaha"
F. (WOMAN, married forever with four kids)
Chichi
"good chi-chi your doing it how awesome for you..."
R. (WOMAN)
Chichi
"You ARE seriously a FOOL! Unless you plan on going non-African, girl you better learn to cook!"
J. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
oooohhhh. I have stories to tell about African men and cooking.
I had to break up with an ex who demanded me to "organize food" for him and his boys!!!
B. (WOMAN)
Chichi
haha! but i looooove cooking! :) i look fwd to reading the blog ChiChi......
A. (WOMAN)
Chi,
Congrats on the launch of the blog! I will join the following soon
J. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
This will most certainly get an interesting debate started in the days,and months ahead.When we had first chewed over this i thought it was a fresh medium of expressing the different veiw points on so many issues affecting our daily lives as Africans,almost noble(lol).I still think its fresh ,and smart,so am just gonna sit back and enjoy this one. Though am almost certain I definitely will not cook.
Ugo O. (MAN)
Chichi,
Why is that your issue?
A. G (MAN)
Congrats Chi Chi and I wish you the best of luck!
N. (WOMAN)
Chichi,
I think there is a word mispelt ....proclaim or something else go re-check
later!
M. (MAN)
Waoo ChiChi,
This blog is going to be war.. i'm sure the're lots of people with so much to say.... concerning this topic..
Have a lovely day and be blessed.
T. (WOMAN)
THE FIRST MAN IN MY LIFE RESPONDS
My Dearest daughter Chichi,
Thank you a trillion times.
This is a masterpiece from the soul of an angel.
It is profoundly thoughtful.
It is revealing of your magnificent personality and the grace in you.
It illuminates the great blessings the Almighty God has deposited into your life.
These blessings are soon to manifest unhindered and unabridged to the glory of God's name.
I know that you and your siblings are going to make it very-very big in spite of any challenging circumstances.
Men and Women marrying into Nwoko family will help to build.
They and their families shall be affected by the prosperity and peace in Nwoko family.
From generation to generation, the Nwokos shall be the blessed of God.
Like the sons of the Nwokos and their generational offspring, the daughters of the Nwokos and their offspring shall carry these blessings with them wherever they make their home.
That is the promise of God to me.
This promise is the divine favor that keeps my hope aflame.
My beloved Roseline and I shall live to see this promise.
Ada Nwoko, I cherish you and I love you.
You are a blessing unto Nwoko family.
May you also remain blessed.
Your Daddy,
Chikwe.
Thank you a trillion times.
This is a masterpiece from the soul of an angel.
It is profoundly thoughtful.
It is revealing of your magnificent personality and the grace in you.
It illuminates the great blessings the Almighty God has deposited into your life.
These blessings are soon to manifest unhindered and unabridged to the glory of God's name.
I know that you and your siblings are going to make it very-very big in spite of any challenging circumstances.
Men and Women marrying into Nwoko family will help to build.
They and their families shall be affected by the prosperity and peace in Nwoko family.
From generation to generation, the Nwokos shall be the blessed of God.
Like the sons of the Nwokos and their generational offspring, the daughters of the Nwokos and their offspring shall carry these blessings with them wherever they make their home.
That is the promise of God to me.
This promise is the divine favor that keeps my hope aflame.
My beloved Roseline and I shall live to see this promise.
Ada Nwoko, I cherish you and I love you.
You are a blessing unto Nwoko family.
May you also remain blessed.
Your Daddy,
Chikwe.
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